A letter to my ex

Updated: Jul 5, 2020

Hello ex,

Today, I want to tell you about a girl.

This girl lost sight of herself for a little bit. She went down a dark hole. But please- don’t pity her. She hates that.

This is about a girl who was so used to being hurt that she became numb to it. This girl was left defeated inside that she forgot who she was. I’m writing about the girl who kept going back, despite the fact that she was loved for all the wrong reasons. She isolated herself from everyone that loved her because she would rather be alone than to be left again. This girl gave her everything but everything would never be enough. She didn’t know that.

Don’t worry, ex. The story gets better… eventually.

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? This girl was happy for a while. She knew what she wanted and was sure she had found the right guy. Before this boy, she had never been in love, she chose not to. She could never imagine herself in a relationship. But, she got into one. She had thought that she had found the one. The boy, he was sweet. He made her feel something, he made her believe she was someone. So she gave him everything. She was taught that he would be the only one she ever needed so she forgot about everything around her. She loved everything about how she felt when she was with him. She was engulfed in a million feelings. Things were good for a little bit until she attached her happiness to him and became dependent. But that’s ok because that’s what love is right? Stupid.

She became blinded by everything, the red flags, the hurt, everything. She stuck with him and let herself fall down the spiral of what she thought was love. So it went on. Not all days were bad, though. On the days when both the boy and the girl were good, those were the best days. The girl would feel on top of the world. Untouchable. High. But on the bad days, those were the days where both of them were their ugliest selves. I cannot tell you how the boy felt but I will tell you that the girl felt so sorry. She was sorry that she brought out the worst side in the boy but she was even more sorry that she allowed herself to stay. But that’s ok that’s what love is right?

Things got bad. Really really bad. They became toxic to each other but they stuck around. The girl was slipping. How can two people who supposedly “love” each other, be completely fine with hurting each other time and time again? She kept running back to the boy after everything they have put each other through. But that’s ok because that’s what love is right?

She believed that he was all she had, that no matter what they fought over, no matter what he called her, no matter what she did to him, he was the only person for her. But that’s what love is.. Right?

Then, he left her. So she did what she did best. Run. He left her so she ran from everything. She tried to turn off her feelings for him, so she didn’t cope normally. She stopped caring about everything and left reality. She was so hurt that she wanted to turn it all off. And it worked... up until life caught up to her. Life always catches up to you. She learned that lesson. I can tell you that that girl was at her lowest point for a while. She wasn’t herself. She allowed the boy to control her emotions long after he decided to leave her. He left her. She spent nights replaying the moment that he decided to break her. He left her. But he loved her though, right?

She had to make herself believe that the time they spent together was real and that he loved her. So she reread the messages and cards, went through their pictures, texted his blocked number hoping for a reply. She lost herself. She questioned her existence. She spent weeks ashamed of herself. She wasn’t used to being alone. If only she could see herself today.

The girl was so lost that she believed that because he left, no one loved her. He made her believe that he was the only one. She believed it. The girl, watched as he moved on. The girl was broken. Were the promises empty? Is she better than me? Why- why did he leave her? How was she not enough?

But you see ex, this girl is you. This girl was you. And you may have never believed it in the moment but you are enough.

You were so used to him, his presence, his company. But I don’t blame you, you were introduced to something so new, fell hard, and became attached quickly. I don’t blame that you were scared to fully leave and turn your back on him. You feel like no one understands you and how you felt in that relationship. They don’t understand that when something toxic begins to take over our lives, you don’t realize it. You believe its love.

But love isn’t that. And you didn’t know that. You thought love was jealousy. You thought love was desire. You thought love was something you can measure. You thought love was selfish. But that’s not what love is, ex. What you had with the boy wasn’t love. Love doesn’t hurt you the way he hurt you. Love is not an addiction, it is not forceful.

But like many teenage girls, you were too scared to leave. But I am telling you now, that it gets better. It gets better. You need to let go and learn how to be happy by yourself before you are happy with anyone else. You need to learn how to physically and mentally take care of yourself before you take care of another person. How can you possibly be happy with someone if you aren’t happy with yourself? How can you give your all to a person, if you don’t have anything to give for yourself? You cannot go to another person unless you work on yourself. And I know that is hard. It’s hard to leave behind someone you got so used to. It’s hard to move on from a feeling that became normal.

So start by putting away his pictures. Stop asking yourself “what could’ve been?” Snap out of the past or you’ll miss everything around you. Reconnect with the friends you lost, come back to the things you love. And take it one day at a time. There is no schedule for healing so do not be rushed. I know you, ex. I know that when things get bad. You usually hide it and run. You are never strong enough to face it head-on. But I am telling you that it’s ok to not be ok. It’s ok to feel sad. It’s ok to cry. Let it out. It took 3 months to start feeling sadness. Like I said, life always catches up to you.

Its almost been half a year, ex. Your birthday is in two weeks. You are reminded of last summer, the two of you, together. But you are doing better. You are finally moving on. You are happy for him because if you truly care about him you would want him to be happy with whoever or whatever he has going on in life. Although you can not reach out to him, at least for now, you know that you both are better separate. You had to learn the hard way ex. You had to learn that what you believed you had, that, was not love. So let it go. Let him go. And learn.

Keep on working on you because I know you have a long road ahead of you. You have so much more in life to experience. Do not waste time of those who do not make time for you. You deserve better.

I know this because I am you.

Shaira Busnawi

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